Nimetön

"Little Charlie asked some money from his dad:
-Again!Always money, why don´t you ask me some intelligence?
-I thought i would, but then i decided to ask you what you got the most."

" Mum ame home and gave the car keys to dad.
-I´ve got some good and some bad news.Witch of them you want to hear first?
-Well why don´t you tell me the good ones?
-The car´s airbag works !"

"I think my wife doesn´t care about me any more.
-Why do you think so?
-She hasn´t call me since the second World war."

"Little Charlie was late from the school.
-Where were you? Asked the teacher.
-A thief attacked me.
-Horrible, terrible!Did he stole you something?
-Yeah.All my homeworks!"

A doctor's profession is such a strange one. He can actually ask a woman to take
off her clothes anytime he wishes and then he sends her husband the bill.

A foreign leader becomes a danger to U.S. national interest when he makes
better weapons than we think he should

A foreign leader becomes a danger to U.S. national interest when he sells too
much drugs and has his monthly payment past due.

A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.

A high school sex education class is like teaching dog paddling to members of
the Olympic swimming team.

A light wife doesn't make a heavy husband.

A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.

A man wants all he can get; a woman wants all she can't get.

A phrase you will never hear: I think that Dan Quayle would make a very learned
president.

A phrase you will never hear: It's a Skoda or nothing for me!

A psychologist is a man who, when a good-looking girl enters the room, looks at
everybody else.

A recent statistical study has shown that the average American has one testicle
and one breast.

A woman boils at nothing and freezes without reason. Melts if given proper
treatment.

A woman can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for whatever
reason.

A woman possesses great affinity for Au, Ag, Pt, precious and semi-precious
stones and minerals.

A woman who has E.S.P. and P.M.S. is a bitch who thinks she knows it all!

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

A woman yields to pressure if applied to correct points.

About her production company, Siren Films: "You know what a siren is, don't
you? A woman who draws men to their death." And about how she sees herself:
"Oh, I suppose I have had my moments of sirendom." Madonna

Adolf Hitler made a mistake admiring Napoleon's strategy.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake always getting Churchill out of bed for conference
calls.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake being born.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake breast feeding for too long.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake changing his name from highly catchy
'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler'

Adolf Hitler made a mistake choosing "Deutschland šber Alles" over "Let's All Be
There" as party slogan.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake choosing Josef Goebels rather than Marlene
Dietrich to promote Nazi image.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake choosing swastika as party symbol rather than the
daisy.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake choosing unfashionable blacks and browns rather
than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake in last days, choosing to hide in a bunker rather than
ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly
Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake listening to too much Wagner and not enough Peter,
Paul and Mary.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake never correcting his lisp.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back".

Adolf Hitler made a mistake refusing to undergo nostril reduction surgery.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake telling Einstein he had a stupid name.

Adolf Hitler made a mistake using same astrologer as the Reagans.

After having sex, talk to your wife...if you have a phone at reach.

All deaf doctors specialize in gynecology because they can read lips.

All men are created equal, but some must be sent to Siberia. Henry Cate

All those men I stepped all over to get to the top, every one of them would take
me back because they still love me and I still love them. Madonna

America: A nice place to own, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Any Earthquake which measures a higher Richter scale than Saddam Hussein's
I.Q. is dangerous.

Ask your boss to reconsider - it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.

At yesterday's Columbus Day fair, a woman was bitten by a dog in the
entertainment area.

Bagpipes were invented by a Scotsman who accidentially trod on his cat and
liked the sound produced.

Bagpipes were invented by the English and given to the Scots as a joke. But the
Scots never caught on.

Baldness is also known as premature Kojakulation.

Bedfellows make strange politicians.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for
play - normally one club and two balls.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner
of the hole.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in
the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm
shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the
length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes
as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure
to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole
immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take
time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other
courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being
played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment
for this reason.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 9. Players are encouraged to have proper raingear
along just in case.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 10. Players should assure themselves that their
match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being
played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if
they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape
for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to
be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is
the case.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's
permission before attempting to play the back nine.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players
should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the
course owner's request.

Bedroom Golf Rule number 14. It is considered outstanding performance to play
the same hole several times in one match.

Beware of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors........and miss.

Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.

Bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

Books are my next favorite things after kissing my husband. I love to gobble
books up." Madonna

Boys may come and boys may go and that's all right you see. Experience has
made me rich and now they're after me. Madonna

Bruce Springsteen was born to run. I was born to flirt. Madonna

Bush chose Dan Quayle as the Vice President because Dan Quayle as a
possible President is the ultimate protection against assassins.

Bush may make Nixon look honest, but Quayle makes Ford look smart.

By and large, I'm glad I'm not bi and large!

Children at the front seat cause accidents, accidents at the back seat cause
children!

Clean shit: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing
on the toilet paper.

Compliment a woman of twenty and she will blush. Compliment a woman of thirty
and she thinks you're clever. Compliment a woman of forty and she wonders what
you want.

Condoms are like the federal government. Both give you a sense of security even
when you know you're getting screwed.

Courage: Two cannibals having oral sex.

Create your own opportunity. Blackmail a senior executive.

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen it done
every day, but they are unable to do it themselves. Brendan Behan

Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. Madonna

Desert Storm is not another Vietnam, because nobody ever compared Ho Chi
Minh to Adolf Hitler.

Desert Storm is not another Vietnam, because some Americans actually
believed that we were defending a democratic government in Vietnam.

Desert Storm is not another Vietnam, because the networks didn't have slick
computer graphics with dramatic theme music for the Vietnam war.

Desert Storm is not another Vietnam, because the time difference from the U.S.
to the Middle East is better suited to prime time live coverage of the festivities.

Desert Storm is not another Vietnam, because The White House wasn't smart
enough to come up with a catchy name for the Vietnam war.

Desert Storm is not another Vietnam, because U.S.A. hadn't been supplying
weapons and intelligence to the North Vietnamese until weeks before the war
began.

Desert Storm is not another Vietnam, because Vietnam was a conflict - Desert
Storm is an operation.

Desert Storm is not like Vietnam: since Vietnam came first, we could claim that
we didn't know any better.

Did you hear about the fat lady who was the first test-tub baby?

Did you hear about the gay whale off the coast of Charleston? It keeps biting the
ends of submarines and sucking out the seamen.

Did you hear about the Iraqi commander who paid $30,000 for a piece of
sandpaper? He'd been told it was a map of Kuwait!

Did you hear about the Irish doctor who thought that ping pong balls were a
Chinese venereal disease.

Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss? He elected to receive.

Did you hear that Salman Rushdie has a new book coming out? It's called
"Buddha, you big, fat fuck!"

Did you know that Prince Charles spent his honeymoon in Indiana?

Directions to Yale: North until you smell it, then East until you step in it.

Divorce: Having your genitals torn off through your wallet. Robin Williams

Dogs are not allowed in the White House because they chase the Quayles and
piss on the Bushes.

Don't drink and drive. You may hit a bump and spill it!

Drinker's shit: That is the kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of
drinking. It's most noticable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet.

Dry as a fish fart rolled in sand.

Elvis is alive - and she's beautiful! Madonna

Elvis is dead, but at least he is not gaining any more weight.

England is the paradise of women, the purgatory of men, and the hell of horses.
John Florio

Entropy is the universe's tendency to go completely bullshit. Onsager

Everybody is a damn fool at least five minutes a day, but some people exceed
the limit.

Everyone needs to believe in something - I believe I will have another beer.

Feel free to remove articles of clothing. Madonna

Fighting for Peace is like Fucking for Virginity.

Following George Bush into a war is like following Neil Bush into a Savings and
Loan.

Four animals a woman can't do without: A mink on her back, a tiger in her bed, a
Jaguar in her garage, and a jackass to make it all possible.

Four things a woman should know: How to look like a girl; how to act like a lady;
how to think like a man; and how to work like a dog.

Frisbee players are ultimate lovers.

From the American newspapers you'd think America was populated solely by
naked women and cinema stars. Lady Nancy Astor

Fundamentalist Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

Fundamentalists have been trying to save the world the same way for two
thousand years. Environmentalists have a new way every week.

Ghost shit: That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet
paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.

Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.

Having an erection is like a mathematical problem: the longer you think about it,
the harder it gets.

He was so skinny that he fell down through his asshole and hung himself.

Honeymoon salad: lettuce alone, with no dressing.

How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.

How do you make your wife scream and shout while having sex? - Call her and
tell her where you're at.

How's your love life - still holding your own?

I am a nice little ducky. Madonna

I bought my boyfriend a waterbed, but we drifted apart.

I can't describe that way that I pray. It has nothing to do with religion. Madonna

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman
got pregnant, someone left town. Michael Prichard

I could never be a woman because I'd stay home and play with my breasts all
day. Harris

I don't know whether to kill myself or go bowling.

I don't mind you smoking, it's when I'm breathing that it bothers me.

I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?

I guess I'm a pagan in the eyes of Catholicism. Madonna

I have a friend who specialized in gynecology because he heard that "there were
a lot of openings.

I have the most perfect belly button, an inny, and there's no lint in it. If 100 belly
buttons were lined up against a wall, I could definitely pick out which one is mine.
Madonna

I heard today that Iraq has developed a special weapon for use against the
Canadian Navy. It's called a rust-seeking missile.

I like to switch everything around. People like mermaids, I like mermen. I like the
idea of men with tails on. I like the idea of men being the objects of desire, the
sirens that entrap women, instead of the other way around. Madonna

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they
do now. Will Rogers

I never drink water. Fish fuck in it. W. C. Fields

I once knew a woman that was so fat she had thighs in different zip codes. You
could hear her coming, her thighs apologizing to each other, excuse me, pardon
me, excuse me, pardon me etc. Steve Plemmons

I think I am a sexual threat. Madonna

I think I have a lot of masculinity in me. Madonna

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

I used to be a nun, but I kicked the habit.

I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman. J. Danforth Quayle

I was terribly disenchanted when I realized that nuns don't have a sex life.
Madonna

I wish I was a million different people so I could stay with each boyfriend while
moving on to another one. Madonna

I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. Cerebus

I would not have married Dan Quayle had I not thought he was an equal to me.
Marilyn Quayle

I would rather be an extemporaneous fool than a premeditated ass.

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what he's working on now.

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister ?

If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.

If fingerprints showed up on skin, I wonder whose I'd find on you.

If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If I wasn't doing what I'm doing now, I'd be a nun. The reason I'm not a nun is
because you can't take your own name. How could I change my name? I have the
most holy name a woman can have. Madonna

If my girl said what she thought, she'd be speechless.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee.

If the Pope wants to see me, he can come to my show. Madonna

If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.

If you get the feeling I don't love you, feel again.

If you still happen to be reading these one-liners, you gotta be nuts. Christer
Sundqvist

If you took all the women who've attended the Yale Junior Prom and laid them end
to end, I wouldn't be surprised. Dorothy Parker

If you want to keep the beer real cold, put it next to my ex-wife's heart.

If you watch an X rated movie without wearing protective glasses, do you get
visual aids?

If you wish the sympathy of broad masses, then you must tell the crudest and
most stupid things. Adolf Hitler

If you're in a hospital and get ill from using a soiled bedpan, do you get nurse's
aids?

I'm ashamed to be here, but not ashamed enough to leave.

I'm a brat, for sure, but I don't travel in a pack. Madonna

I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm just a midwestern girl in a bustier. Madonna

I'm not saying he's dumb, but if he takes off his hat they'll get him for indecent
exposure.

Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.

Is sex dirty? "Only if it's done right." Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? "Only when you don't take a bath." Madonna

It's the bottle against the Bible in the battle for daddy's soul.

I've been flushed from the bathroom of your heart.

Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for valuable cash prizes.

Just heard that the Polish military just sent forces to the gulf. Poor Mexicans didn't
know what to do with them!

Know why they don't let government workers look out the window in the morning?
So they'll have something to do in the afternoon!

Late to bed, early to rise, makes a man damn tired.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

Life is just one damned thing after another. Frank Ward O'Malley

Life is like a penis : when it's soft you can't beat it, when it's hard you can get
screwed.

Life's a bitch, and life's got lots of sisters. Ross Presser

Lots of money saved for a rainy day is blown on a wet night.

Marriage: The malady that causes a woman to be paralyzed from the waist
down?

Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.

Me and my wife split the sheets a year ago, and I'm growing a toenail on my dick,
from f---ing my socks.

Men don't want sex with girls who wear specs'?

Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.

Military targets are targets that are hit and thus defined as military targets.

Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. Frank
Zappa

Mother nature is a bitch.

My wife just got pregnant. She took seriously what was poked at her in fun.

My wife ran off with my best friend and I miss him.

National Socialism does not harbor the slightest aggressive intent towards any
European nation. Adolf Hitler (1935)

Never buy a pair of pants you wouldn't want to fart in.

Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.

NEWTON'S 2nd LAW OF MOTION : The angle of the dangle + the square of the
hair times the sum of the cum minus the position of the emission divided by the
mass of the ass over the heat of the meat = cube of the pube.

NEWTON'S 3rd LAW OF MOTION : The angle of the dangle is in direct
proportion to the heat of the meat.

NEWTON'S 4th LAW OF MOTION : Pole in motion, produces lotion.

NEWTON'S 5th LAW OF MOTION : The angle of the dangle plus the square of
the hair equals the mass of the ass.

Nice guys get sick.

No point hiring short people; Brains too near the bottom!!

Now that Magic Johnson has AIDS, I hope we can find a cure. Dan Quayle

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

Nuns are sexy. Madonna

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.

Of all my relations I like sex the most.

Of course I'm vain. Every time I pass by a mirror I look. Madonna

Old Enough To Bleed, Old Enough To Breed.

Omigod! AIDS! Now we all will have to sleep alone and never have anything to do
with anybody. Use your imagination. Be creative. Madonna

On exposing her navel: "Everyone took it all so seriously." Madonna

On losing virginity: "I thought of it as a career move." Madonna

On making "Shanghai Surprise": "It stunk. I hated it. Sean hated it. We knew after
two days it was going to be terrible." Madonna

On maturity: "I feel more grown-up than I did a few years ago and I still have a lot
more growing up to do. But yes, I do feel like an adult, and that's something I say
begrudgingly. I'd rather be a girl all my life." Madonna

Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one, but nobody wants to look at the
other guys.

Over 30% of the men in Russia are alcoholics - they keep drinking until the
Russian women look good.

Polish Sex Manual: IN. OUT. Repeat as necessary.

Politicians aren't born, they're excreted.

Promises are like penises: they are quick to come, hell to clean up after, painful if
broken, and they leave a bitter taste if swallowed.

Prostitution is the only business where the profits go up when the assets go
down.

Reality is an illusion brought on by lack of alcohol.

Saddam Hussein is the father of the mother of all cliches.

Saddam Hussein has one thing in common with his father: They both did not pull
out in time.

Sean asked me to marry him, but he didn't say it out loud. So I read his mind
back to him. Madonna

Seminars: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful provided you get between
the right man and the right woman. Woody Allen

Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.

Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.

Sex is dirty only when it's done right. Woody Allen

Sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good
hand.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Sex is so healthy because it contains no sodium and it is cholesterol free.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

She ain't much to see, but she looks good through the bottom of a glass.

She's so fat her high school yearbook picture was an aerial photo.

She's so fat she wears watches on both hands, and they're in different time
zones.

She states that her husband took downers and she took uppers so the
relationship did not work out.

Shower the people you love with your love. Shower with the people you love.

Simulation is like masturbation. The more you do it, the more you think it's real.

Smokers are people, too. Only not quite that long...

Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me. I think they're o.k. If they don't give me
proper credit I just walk away. Madonna

Some boys romance, some boys slow dance. That's all right with me. If they can't
raise my interest then I have to let them be. Madonna

Some boys try and some boys lie but I don't let them play. Only boys that save
their pennies make my rainy day. Madonna

Some say, that the dog is the man's best friend... But when a couple of friends
get together to have some fun... Do they sit down and pad the dog? W. C. Fields

Stalin's grave is a communist plot.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is
vital. Arthur Koestler

Statistics is like a bikini suit; what they reveal is interesting but what they conceal
is significant.

Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic urge
to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average
man can see better than he can think.

The best secretary in the world is one that never misses a period.

The difference between an Iraqi woman and a hockey player is that a Hockey
player showers after 3 periods.

The difference between kissing your girlfriend and kissing your sister is about
twenty-five seconds.

The grave of Karl Marx is just another communist plot.

The guy's average income was around midnight. Henry Cate

The quad shit: That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt, splatters all over the inside of the toiletbowl, the whole time, chronically
burning your tender anus.

The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.

The second wave shit: It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your
pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.

The secret of success is discovering at an early age that you are not God.

The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this Earth. Diana Rigg

The stuff you read in the literature, 90% is bullshit, maybe

Anonymous

The surface of a woman is very smooth and soft, with many interesting
irregularities.

The thing that takes up less time and gives more trouble is sex.

The Three Greatest Lies; 1. Your check is in the mail, 2. I'm a government
inspector and I'm here to help you and 3. I'll respect you as much in the morning
as I respect you now.

The three stages of man: 1. Tri-weekly, 2. Try-weekly and 3. Try-weakly.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

The three most expensive cuts are; sirloin, tenderloin, and a vasectomy.

The two best ways to my heart are through sex, and the descending aorta.

The U.S. got Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder. We've got Maggie
Thatcher, no hope, no cash, no fucking wonder!!!

The wet cheeks shit: That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your
butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

There are more horses' asses in this world than there are horses.

There are still those people who, no matter what I do, will always think of me as a
little disco tart. Madonna

This afternoon is favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.

This won't hurt, did it?

To all you virgins: thanks for nothing.

Uncle Sam is bi-sexual - he makes love about twice a year.

Visa International will be issuing Visa debit cards in Czechoslovakia and
Lithuania. Regular credit cards will be considered in the future.

We are living in a material world and I'm a material girl. Madonna

We don't want war, all we want is a new world order, and if you don't agree with
us, you are either a communist or a bunch of terrorists.

Wet shit: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwipped so
you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underware so you
don't ruin them with a brown stain.

What did the valley girl say when her boyfriend blew in her ear? Like, thanks for
the refill.

What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids ? - Speed bumps!

What do toys and womens breasts have in common? They were both originally
made for kids but dad ends up playing with them.

What do you call a gay Dinosaur? - A megasoreass.

What do you call an Americanised Asian? Disoriented.

What do you get when you have 64 Iraqi women in one room? - A full set of teeth.

What does Kojak do after combing his hair? Pull up his zip.

What does it say on the bottom of Polish Coke bottles? - Open other end.

What will a nice girl do? She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.

When a man gets f----ing on his mind all his brains go into the head of his dick.

When an ass climbs a ladder we may find wisdom in women. John Ray

When my dick gets hard it draws up so much skin I can't even close my eyes.

When women go wrong, men go right after them. Mae West

Why are Mexican steering wheels so small? Handcuffs only stretch so far.

Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers? 'cause they always want to
do the job faster than before. And when they do, they say the performance has
improved.

Why do we put fences around cemeteries? The people who are in can't get out,
and those who are out don't want to get in.

Why doesn't the Yale football team get icewater anymore? The player with the
recipe graduated.

Why don't they allow dogs into the White House? Because they chase the
Quayles and pee on the Bushes.

Why don't they have Manger scenes in Yale at Christmastime? They can't find
three wise men and a virgin.

Why should the Americans have an arms race with the Soviets when they can
have a foot race with the Iraqis.

Women and cats do as they damned well please. Men and dogs had best learn
to live with it. Alan Holbrook

Women without principle draw considerable interest.

You are a Red Neck if after making love, you have to ask your date to roll down
the window.

You are a Red Neck if less than half the cars that you own run.

You are a Red Neck if there is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your
home.

You are a Red Neck if you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while
you're at work.

You are a Red Neck if you consider a six-pack of beer and wrestling quality
entertainment.

You are a Red Neck if you consider your license plate "personalized" because
your father made it.

You are a Red Neck if you get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your
hair.

You are a Red Neck if you had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding
pictures were taken.

You are a Red Neck if you have a gun rack on your bicycle.

You are a Red Neck if you have ever been fired from a construction job because
of your appearance.

You are a Red Neck if you have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

You are a Red Neck if you have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.

You are a Red Neck if you honestly believe women are turned on by animal
noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You are a Red Neck if you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You are a Red Neck if you think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.

You are a Red Neck if you think that fishing should be an Olympic event.

You are a Red Neck if you think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of
all time.

You are a Red Neck if you view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet
a woman.

You are a Red Neck if your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You are a Red Neck if your dad walks to school with you because you're both in
the same grade.

You are a Red Neck if your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

You are a Red Neck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You are a Red Neck if your family tree doesn't fork.

You are a Red Neck if your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.

You are a Red Neck if your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does.

You are a Red Neck if your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.

You are a Red Neck if your richest relative buys a new house and you have to
help take the wheels off.

You are a Red Neck if your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.

You are middle-aged when your wife gets pregnant and you know exactly when it
happened.

You can always tell a Harvard Man...but you can't tell him much.

You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.

You can't insult somebody in the Soviet Union by saying their mother wears
combat boots, because, chances are, she does. Henry Cate

You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly - only sooner than she thought you would.

You have to feel sorry for the Iraqi people. They don't know if they've been
Saddam-ized or Bush-whacked!

You know when it's going to be a bad day when you put your bra on backwards
and it fits better.

You know when it's going to be a bad day when your husband says "Good
morning Mary" and your name is Sharon.

You should use contraceptives at every conceivable occasion.

You wouldn't want to be an egg, because it takes 7 minutes to get hard.

You wouldn't want to be an egg, because the only one who sits on your face IS
YOUR MOTHER!

You wouldn't want to be an egg, because when you do come, you're in the same
box as 11 others.

You wouldn't want to be an egg, because you get eaten only once.

You wouldn't want to be an egg, because you get laid only once.

You're fat when your favorite sexual position is beached.

You're so stupid, people have to tell you everything twice. You're so stupid,
people have to tell you everything twice.

Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.